Clean Funny Jokes

Lawyer Jokes- Professionals

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young woman in a very slight, very tight bikini strolled by.

The near-naked woman looked at the doctor, smiled, and said in a sexy voice: “Hi there handsome. How are you doing?”

She then wiggled her backside and walked off.

“Who was that?” demanded the doctor’s wife.

“Err… Just a woman I met professionally,” replied the doctor.

“Oh yeah?!” snarled his wife, “Whose profession? Yours or hers?”.

Politician Jokes - Story of Creation

In the beginning, God created heaven and earth.

Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn’t be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part.

At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, “Let there be light.”

Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result.

The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time. God agreed, saying he would call the light “Day” and the darkness “Night.” Officials replied
that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics.

God said, “Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed.”

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, “Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth.”

Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days.

Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before….

At this point, God created Hell.

Animal Jokes - Tragic Death

A man comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead.

The guy panics. Thinking his neighbor is going to hate him forever, he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur> He then puts the rabbit back into the cage on the neighbor’s patio in hopes they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside. He asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?”

The guy stiffens and says, “Um.. er.. no.. what happened?”

The neighbor replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, we went outside and someone had dug him up, given him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!”

 

 

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